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Surgeon Totally Blanks On What He Cut Open Patient For

LEWISTON, ME—Racking his brain for any potential explanation, local surgeon Sergio Mitchell totally blanked Wednesday on what he cut open a patient for. “Now why the hell did I make this giant slit again?” said Mitchell of the 6-inch-long transverse incision he made across his subject’s abdomen with a No. 10 scalpel, retracing his steps from the prep room to the operating chamber in the hopes that it would jog his memory as to the nature of the procedure. “Am I supposed to be taking something out or putting something in? There’s no way I’m asking the nurse, ’cause then I’ll really look like a complete fucking idiot.” At press time, Mitchell decided to just keep cutting deeper with the hope that he would eventually find some clues.


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