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‘Wow, Hope You Had A Nice 17 Years Off,’ Say Annoyed Bugs Left To Torment Humans Without Help Of Cicadas

KNOXVILLE, TN—In response to the brood’s reemergence after lying dormant since 2004, several area insects reportedly said, “Wow, hope you had a nice 17 years off,” to a group of periodical cicadas Tuesday, expressing annoyance over being forced during the prolonged absence to torment humans on their own. “You certainly look refreshed—that was some break, huh?” a local mosquito told the cicadas as it called over some ticks, wasps, fire ants, and brown recluse spiders that sources confirmed worked twice as hard to inflict fear and disease upon humans while the cicadas “took their sweet, sweet time doing God knows what” beneath the ground. “Us? Well, we’ve stayed busy flying into people’s eyes and ears, biting everyone, and generally preventing them from enjoying the outdoors. We sure could have used your help, but don’t worry, it’s cool. I mean, it wouldn’t have killed you to pop in a few times over the past 17 years to scare the shit out of some kids by buzzing around in their faces. No worries, though. We covered for you. Oh, I see—now that you’re finally back, you’re just going to lie around and mate? You know what? Fuck you guys.” At press time, reports confirmed the cicadas had agreed to do their part by emitting a deafening, 100-periodical cicadas hum that would ensure no one in eastern Tennessee could sleep for the next four to six weeks.


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